MUSIC AND ALCOHOL

It cannot be denied that the combination of alcohol and music is releasing and magical yet dangerous. Over the years I have loved a fair few genres of music but not until fairly recently have I appreciated the true genius of trance/techno/dance music. It allows ultimate escapism. Combine this with alcohol and everything seems right. No, everything seems fantastic.
Am I an alcoholic? Yes. Have I ever admitted this to anybody? No. Nor have I really admitted it to myself. I am still in at least partial denial. But the truth is I find it so hard to go even one or two days without alcohol. It's as if I need alcohol just to get on with my everyday life. This isn't normal, it isn't healthy. But it's hard to give up alcohol because I can't admit to anyone that I have a problem. In the student culture in which I'm in, almost everybody drinks. I don't care what other people think in that respect. I wouldn't have a problem with being teetotal. But if I start not drinking yet I can't help but give off body language which shows that I am yearning for a drink, then I know people will realise I have problems. At the moment my friends just think I'm a 'drunkard' as many of them are and that I am a bit of a party animal. I love going out sure, but I am not even that much of a party animal. I prefer spending time quietly with friends sometimes too. But if I pretend to myself that I love going out all the time, then wrongly I know, it gives me an excuse to drink because I am out.
I shouldn't be an alcoholic at this age. I should be carefree and having the time of my life. And to the outside world that's exactly what I am doing. I don't pretend to be someone else at all; I hate that. The only thing I do is, bar happiness, to never show my feelings. When I am upset/angry etc.. I will keep it inside me. I sometimes become much quieter than my usual rather loud and bubbly self, though I try not to, and people ask if I am okay. So I reply saying that I am tired/have had a long day/didn't get much sleep. I'm not the sort of person who can ever open up to anyone about anything. People always open up to me and share stuff all the time. Mostly relatively trivial matters, but all the same I don't even talk about that sort of stuff. I probably should. It would be much healthier.

INTRODUCTION

I feel an explanation for the blog name 'Caecus' is necessary. 'Caecus' in Latin means 'blind' and I believe I am metaphorically blind to the explanations and reasons behind so many things. But I hope that with time and deep thinking through the use of this blog, everything will become a lot clearer.